Life changes in an instant

Tomorrow is the 7th anniversary of Sara's death.  I never know which route to take when it comes to the anniversary. There are so many emotions going through me that its always hard to get any of them across, and they change quickly. I'm sad she's gone, appreciative of the time I had with her, guilty for not remembering her laugh, astounded that I'm able to function, loved by the friends and family I have, and on and on.
Writing or talking about it, I'm always worried about how people will judge my reactions. Some people think I shouldn't be emotional after 7 years, others think I have forgotten her. I know I shouldn't care, but I do. Losing Sara will always be apart of who I am, and I want don't want to diminish how important she was or how hard it is to be without her.  I also don't want it to define me.

These conflicted feelings always have me going back and forth.

One thing that makes me feel better is remembering what Sara's mom told me.  I don't remember when, but it's stuck with me through the years.  She told me that I have to live for the both of us.  That is something I can do.  I can live, take risks, to crazy things like move to Australia, and I can do it in a way that remembers and pays homage to my best friend, not in a way that is running away or trying to forget.  In the end, I think that is the parting gift she left me with.  She was outgoing and adventurous in life, and I hope that lives on in me.



Instead of wallowing in how much I miss her everyday (I do) and how hard it was too lose her (it was), I've decided to reflect on the friends I have in my life today, and how dear they are to me.  The cliche that life changes in an instant is cliche for a reason.  Because its true.  I often think about how my life would be if Sara hadn't died 7 years ago.  Would I have stayed at ISU?  Would I have met and dated Tim?  Would I have ever lived with Donna?  Would Jake and I ever have met, would we have connected the way we did if we hadn't both lost our best friends?  The what-ifs continue endlessly.  Regardless of what happened in the past to put me on this path, I am happy with where my life is today. 

Jessica (affectionately pronounced Yess-E-ka) is the best sister/best friend anyone could ask for.  She understands me in ways I don't understand about myself.  Actually, Im realizing that this is a common theme among all my best friends.  But Jessica is my sister as well as my best friend.  The way we interact when we dominate a conversation about our childhood and how different they were and who remembers what parts, is priceless.  The inside stories, references, conversations others wouldn't understand always brighten up my day.  I'm always thankful that I can be emotional with her and not feel guilty about it, that I can yell at her and she won't get pissed, that she knows that she needs to bring me medicine when I'm sick or I won't take any, how she makes me dinner when some boy breaks my heart, and makes me a cape to remind me that I am Super K and can do anything!

Donna is an entity to herself.  It's hard to describe Donna.  She's artsy, hippy, flighty, spontaneous, and completely loveable.  Donna sends text messages that say "I can't wait to hug you," and "I like your face."  A girl needs to hear that every know and then.  Three years spent in Chicago together were a blessing.  And though I'm sad that we won't be living in the same city, let alone the same hemispere, I love love love that she has the spirit to quit her mediocre job and move to California to work on an organic farm!  I know so many people who stay in mediocre jobs not doing what they love because they can't take the risk.  That's not Donna.  She is my la la la love!

Erica (Erca) is the girlfriend that every girl wishes she had.  She's the one who's got my back.  No matter what.  When other people are telling me things I don't want to hear, I call Erica and she makes me feel better.  And she's always honest when she does so.  She makes me want to bake cookies--though mine would never live up to hers.  She's emotional and not ashamed.  She acts goofy and isn't ashamed.  I admire how strongly she loves, and loves everyone.  At the same time, she can dish up some quality snark and doesn't run away crying when you dish it back.  Seriously, the dynamic between her and that husband of hers is quite entertaining :)

Jacob (aka Kubush) has become a steady rock in my life.  If I need a reality check...Jake is there for me.  Yacob is also where I get all my sarcasm practice in.  We have excelled in the art of throwing parties together.  And that man can cook!  And dance!  Seriously, a straight man who dances?!  That just doesn't happen.  I will always cherish all the Sexy Dance Parties in the kitchen, and I look forward to many more.  Jake is also a man of his word.  He's dependable, if he says he'll be somewhere, he's there.  He plans to come to Australia for my semester break, and I don't doubt that he will make that happen.  He'd probably be offended that I called him dependable, and he'd want me to say that he's reckless, spontaneous and totally macho, which he is.  But he's also there for you when you need him.

Christopher and I have a friendship that can not be defined by just a few adjectives.  Our friendship is rooted in trauma.  Chris and I had a tepid friendship before Sara died.  We were both insanely jealous of the time and closeness the other spent with her.  Then, as soon as he called to tell me her heart had failed, I knew that he was the person who would understand what I was going through best.  Not to downplay anyone else's mourning or loss, just that his relationship to Sara was closest to my relationship to Sara.  7 years later, what is awesome about my friendship with Chris is that we are so totally different.  He likes night clubs and fancy cars, I like dive bars and practicality.  But we always come together, and we always have fun.  He is surprisingly insightful, a side of himself he doesn't show to everyone. He is also surprisingly thoughtful and sends unexpected Christmas cards with a gas-card when gas is $4 a gallon and he knows you commute 20 miles to work, or Starbucks money because he knows you have an unhealthy obsession. 


To all my other beautiful friends and family, please know that you all mean the world to me.  Life changes in an instant so remember to make the most of everyday, tell people you love them, and live life to its fullest!

RIP Sara Kathleen Schacht

March 2, 1984-January 26, 2003

You are missed everyday