Life changes in an instant

Tomorrow is the 7th anniversary of Sara's death.  I never know which route to take when it comes to the anniversary. There are so many emotions going through me that its always hard to get any of them across, and they change quickly. I'm sad she's gone, appreciative of the time I had with her, guilty for not remembering her laugh, astounded that I'm able to function, loved by the friends and family I have, and on and on.
Writing or talking about it, I'm always worried about how people will judge my reactions. Some people think I shouldn't be emotional after 7 years, others think I have forgotten her. I know I shouldn't care, but I do. Losing Sara will always be apart of who I am, and I want don't want to diminish how important she was or how hard it is to be without her.  I also don't want it to define me.

These conflicted feelings always have me going back and forth.

One thing that makes me feel better is remembering what Sara's mom told me.  I don't remember when, but it's stuck with me through the years.  She told me that I have to live for the both of us.  That is something I can do.  I can live, take risks, to crazy things like move to Australia, and I can do it in a way that remembers and pays homage to my best friend, not in a way that is running away or trying to forget.  In the end, I think that is the parting gift she left me with.  She was outgoing and adventurous in life, and I hope that lives on in me.



Instead of wallowing in how much I miss her everyday (I do) and how hard it was too lose her (it was), I've decided to reflect on the friends I have in my life today, and how dear they are to me.  The cliche that life changes in an instant is cliche for a reason.  Because its true.  I often think about how my life would be if Sara hadn't died 7 years ago.  Would I have stayed at ISU?  Would I have met and dated Tim?  Would I have ever lived with Donna?  Would Jake and I ever have met, would we have connected the way we did if we hadn't both lost our best friends?  The what-ifs continue endlessly.  Regardless of what happened in the past to put me on this path, I am happy with where my life is today. 

Jessica (affectionately pronounced Yess-E-ka) is the best sister/best friend anyone could ask for.  She understands me in ways I don't understand about myself.  Actually, Im realizing that this is a common theme among all my best friends.  But Jessica is my sister as well as my best friend.  The way we interact when we dominate a conversation about our childhood and how different they were and who remembers what parts, is priceless.  The inside stories, references, conversations others wouldn't understand always brighten up my day.  I'm always thankful that I can be emotional with her and not feel guilty about it, that I can yell at her and she won't get pissed, that she knows that she needs to bring me medicine when I'm sick or I won't take any, how she makes me dinner when some boy breaks my heart, and makes me a cape to remind me that I am Super K and can do anything!

Donna is an entity to herself.  It's hard to describe Donna.  She's artsy, hippy, flighty, spontaneous, and completely loveable.  Donna sends text messages that say "I can't wait to hug you," and "I like your face."  A girl needs to hear that every know and then.  Three years spent in Chicago together were a blessing.  And though I'm sad that we won't be living in the same city, let alone the same hemispere, I love love love that she has the spirit to quit her mediocre job and move to California to work on an organic farm!  I know so many people who stay in mediocre jobs not doing what they love because they can't take the risk.  That's not Donna.  She is my la la la love!

Erica (Erca) is the girlfriend that every girl wishes she had.  She's the one who's got my back.  No matter what.  When other people are telling me things I don't want to hear, I call Erica and she makes me feel better.  And she's always honest when she does so.  She makes me want to bake cookies--though mine would never live up to hers.  She's emotional and not ashamed.  She acts goofy and isn't ashamed.  I admire how strongly she loves, and loves everyone.  At the same time, she can dish up some quality snark and doesn't run away crying when you dish it back.  Seriously, the dynamic between her and that husband of hers is quite entertaining :)

Jacob (aka Kubush) has become a steady rock in my life.  If I need a reality check...Jake is there for me.  Yacob is also where I get all my sarcasm practice in.  We have excelled in the art of throwing parties together.  And that man can cook!  And dance!  Seriously, a straight man who dances?!  That just doesn't happen.  I will always cherish all the Sexy Dance Parties in the kitchen, and I look forward to many more.  Jake is also a man of his word.  He's dependable, if he says he'll be somewhere, he's there.  He plans to come to Australia for my semester break, and I don't doubt that he will make that happen.  He'd probably be offended that I called him dependable, and he'd want me to say that he's reckless, spontaneous and totally macho, which he is.  But he's also there for you when you need him.

Christopher and I have a friendship that can not be defined by just a few adjectives.  Our friendship is rooted in trauma.  Chris and I had a tepid friendship before Sara died.  We were both insanely jealous of the time and closeness the other spent with her.  Then, as soon as he called to tell me her heart had failed, I knew that he was the person who would understand what I was going through best.  Not to downplay anyone else's mourning or loss, just that his relationship to Sara was closest to my relationship to Sara.  7 years later, what is awesome about my friendship with Chris is that we are so totally different.  He likes night clubs and fancy cars, I like dive bars and practicality.  But we always come together, and we always have fun.  He is surprisingly insightful, a side of himself he doesn't show to everyone. He is also surprisingly thoughtful and sends unexpected Christmas cards with a gas-card when gas is $4 a gallon and he knows you commute 20 miles to work, or Starbucks money because he knows you have an unhealthy obsession. 


To all my other beautiful friends and family, please know that you all mean the world to me.  Life changes in an instant so remember to make the most of everyday, tell people you love them, and live life to its fullest!

RIP Sara Kathleen Schacht

March 2, 1984-January 26, 2003

You are missed everyday

 

Adventcha's in killin lobstas!

For Christmas dinner S&B made a lobsta chowda, which was awesome!  Even more awesome was to see the nerves and guilt almost get the best of them, ha!  They were able to pull through though, and I was able to chronicle the short, 5 minute journey :)

Alive in cooler.

Snipping rubber bands was a two person job, with two photographers, lol.

5 minutes later....Hello yummy yummy lobsta!

Oh, I didn't post a Christmas blog?!

Christmas with the toddlers was incredibly satisfying, especially in comparison to my normal views on the Christmas season.  Christmas usually bothers the heck out of me because of the fake spirit and commercialism.  Also being the single, broke Auntie with 6 nieces and nephews has some drawbacks.  But with the girls, I found myself giddy and excited about everything!  Christmas lights, trees, Santa, the whole bit. 

Christmas morning:

Something changed about Sammie multiplying her cuteness factor.

backpack.  Backpack! BACKPACK!  Yumyumyumyumyum, delicioso! Samantha gets a Dora backpack!

Santa fit a sled down the non-existent chimney!  Santa rocks!

This little girl could not be happier.  Dora backpack, sled, and giant stuffed dog appropriately named Ruff.

She really loves Ruff!  Still :)

This was my favorite gift of Christmas!  Elliot and Samantha made hand-print Christmas plate for Sherie and Ben :)

 

So Cute!

My advice to those who want to make a dress:

DON'T.

Let me say that this project was a pain but I am very proud that I did it and with what I accomplished.  I got the crazy idea to make a dress on Thanksgiving.  I was wearing a navy blue t-shirt dress, but underneath I had a navy blue slip and a cream colored tank top.  When I went to change, I noticed how good the undergarments looked together.  Both were outlined with lace of the same color, and the slip had scooted its way up to be an empire waist with a pencil line shape down to my knees.  I thought seriously about just sewing the two pieces together and calling it a dress (in classic Kassi-improvisation-style).  But I concluded that I probably didn't want to be walking around in a slip and a cami, and both pieces are very useful to my wardrobe.

So I contracted my mother to help me while she came to visit for Christmas.  She was the crucial factor to this project.  I had no idea there was a secret language.  Selvage, notion, hem tape (which is not actually tape).

This is what it started with: running around New England looking for a fabric store that carried the pattern I wanted, purchasing said pattern and 2 different materials, lining, boning, 2 zippers, 2 spools of thread, and one package of eye hooks. 

  

An unexpected helper came to join the fun.  She was really good at picking up the pins that I never bother to put back into the pin cushion :)

Lots of pinning together of random shaped pieces of fabric.

 

This is when worlds started coming together!  The random shaped pieces of fabric actually started resembling clothing!  This is the bodice.  I turned the picture upside down because to see bodice right way up, but Im not sure that helped, lol.

 Finally the top looks like a top!  Kinda.

My mother inadvertently got a picture of the first major hiccup.  I should have taken note that the model  wearing the dress on the package was an A cup.  How am I not surprised.  At this point we've also realized we have to add some fabric to the sides as well to make it fit comfortably, so my self esteem is through the roof.  At least adding more sections of fabric was easy at this point, but I almost scrapped the whole project because this dress would have been not only risque but down right inappropriate to wear in public.  We persevered on, though I did not have high hopes.  As illustrated in my lovely smile below:

 The skirt was pretty easy, in fact my mother did most of it while I came up with an idea to make the top wear-able.

There was still a lot of work after this point, the finishing touches took a long time, especially since my mother had to go home!  And measuring yourself is NOT easy.  It seemed like all I was doing was measuring, making a stitch, trying the dress on, and then ripping out the previous stitch.  After making the top bigger in the beginning, I ended up having to take it in after all.  I added a ribbon of navy to the top, which also allowed me to put straps on it!  Wooohoo for straps!  But figuring out the right length for the straps, where to place them, and at what angle so they hide my bra straps was a ridiculous feat. 

I also ad-libbed on the skirt a bit.  The original pattern called for a full length straight skirt.  Not a flattering look.  I decided to cut it off at the knee and make it a pencil skirt, like my original vision.  Measuring satin to an even 25" all the way around is beyond difficult.  Then to make it a pencil skirt, I had to take it in at the knees.  My first attempt seemed perfect at first.  Then I tried to sit down.  Oops.  I had to rip it all out and do it again.  Then once I got the angle I wanted on it, there was poofiness at the hips as a result.  My hips do not need anymore poof.  Im not really sure how, but I fixed it.

In the end, this is my dress:

 

 

 Our attempt at a photo shoot, lol.

Up close.

 

There debate over this picture....Sherie says I look skinny, I think it looks like I'm cradling my baby, lol.  After further review I did side with Sherie, but I still think its funny.

 Still laughing in the end.

Resolutions, Shmesolutions

You may or may not know, but I hate making New Years resolutions.  I've always had the same resolution every year...to be healthier.  Usually that involves "lose weight" or "exercise more."  Very quantifiable and achievable goals, lol.  So I just don't make them anymore.  I'm also making goals for myself all the time, almost daily.  Do I stick to them, not always, but I'd say its a fair More-often-than-not.

Although, I keep up with a few author blogs, one being Words on Words by Maggie Stiefvater who has a thing for resolutions.  Reading her blog about her resolutions made me think: "If I had to make concrete, quantifiable and achievable goals for the next year, what would they be?"

This was more difficult than it probably should be.  Most of my goals are not things that I can cross off easily, or before the end of 2010.  Regardless, here goes:

1. Blog at least once a week-seems approrpiate.  This is not something I can cross off until 12/31/10 but I still think its a good goal to keep, especially with my upcoming move across the world.
2. Buy a bike in Sydney- In my ever present desire to be more physically active, this will help. And the purchasing of a bike is something I can accomplish and cross off.
3. Don't assume people don't like you- A recent conversation with a certain Ben enlightened me that I have a tendency to assume people don't like me, thus never giving the friendship a chance.  This is neither quantifiable or concrete.  Yet, a good behavior change goal.  And if I am successful, my reward will be a more outgoing Kassi and more meaningful friendships.  So difficult to accomplish as a resolution,  but something I would like to work on and reflect on in a years time.
4. Oh yea, that little thing of getting an MPH.  This is kind of funny to me.  Because my program is only one year, by NYE 2011, I will have an MPH.  Crazy!  SO yea, thats one massive concrete goal.
5. More specifically, maintain a 3.7 GPA or higher.  I finally got the hang of it at the end of my undergrad studies, so I think this is achievable.  Though I have no idea how my undergrad studies will relate to grad school in a foreign country...
6. Have a plan for income by 2011!  I.e. Have a job!!  At the moment I don't feel that I have a lot of control over this, but as the year continues that needs to and will change.
7. Learn how to take better photographs.  Hello Donna..are you out there?  I don't need to become a photographer, but I am consistently jealous of other peoples's photos.
8. Moisturize at least once a week.  I originally had moisturize daily here.  But knowing myself, that is an automatic fail.  So lets go with more often.  Once a week would be a vast improvement to how often I do it now.  This wouldn't be a big deal if I didn't have super dry skin, and genetic material that leads to skin conditions.  TMI?  
9. Visit the Great Barrier Reef.
10. Visit New Zeland.

So there they are, my 2010 resolutions.  The first time in my life I have put resolutions in writing.  I definitely failed at coming up with quantifiable concrete resolutions, but I'm ok with that.  Resolutions are a rather personal thing after all.

What are your resolutions for 2010?